Lord of the Ringless

Men and Women: What they Really Want

Men and Women: What they Really Want
Simple Strategies for Making Any Relationship Better

John Townsend spoke on Saturday, Aug 18th, 2007 at First Baptist in Elk Grove. These are some of the highlights a Christian sister shared from his outline and her notes.

Session 1: Attraction, Connection and Intimacy.

The True Meaning of Intimacy is Knowing.
You must know your partners “Heart to heart feelings and secret desires.
Also you must know each other’s fears, dreams and values.

Moving Toward and Moving Away:
Make sure I’m in touch with my need for closeness and experience the need in the other person’s presence. Space creates longing and missing. Passion requires distance. Good relationships have time apart which creates the passion, the longing and the missing. I.e., the man is golfing while the woman is with her girlfriends.

Good Boundaries are meant to bring closeness and freedom
The clearer the boundaries are with each other; they will promote love and awareness and help problems be solved. Recommended reading is Psalm 101.
Guard your heart. Boundaries protect our heart by letting the other person know who we are and that we are not invisible. I.e. “I don’t like it when you do that”…”please wait until I’m done with my thought” … ”that makes me feel valued.”

Ownership of Your Life Matthew 22:39 “love your neighbor as yourself”
We must continually observe ourselves to see if we love our neighbor as our self. We can ask ourselves, “How would you feel married to you?”
Evaluate how we are affecting our significant others from time to time,
“I don’t want to affect your heart in a negative way. How am I doing?” Ask how you are doing with them so they know you are concerned.

Deal with the Fears of Intimacy by having better standards; meaning insist on Safe People. Psalm 139:19- end
Talk about your fears first and your needs second
Celebrate vulnerability and praise your partner for being vulnerable about these things. If we are vulnerable with our fears and needs and we experience feeling freedom, love and respect then we are in a safe relationship.

Affirm the littlest of change. Make sure you offer verbal reinforcement.

Always communicate by saying, “This pushes me away, this pulls me toward you.”

New Life Live is on KFIA 710am from 1-2pm M-F (John Townsend, Steve Arteburn, and Henry Cloud alternate speaking among others)

Angel's Unawares

Angel’s Unawares

She didn’t even know he knew how to take the light rail. Neither she nor her estranged husband allowed him to freely roam the city.
Just the afternoon before, my protective friend, always afraid to let go of her thirteen-year old son, Ryan, had just endured an exceptional argument that escalated to the point where she hit him on the leg with his tennis shoe.

Filled with anger, her Christian son, stomped out of their home, yelling profanities at her, hurling words that brought anguish and sorrow. She waited for his return; he headed for his Dad’s.
She called Ryan’s friends. When he didn’t return she called hers…to pray. At the time they were unaware of God’s divine interventions.

On his way to the light rail, a strange man on the street stuck out his hand and gave Ryan a little piece of paper.
He grabbed it and stuck it in his pocket. He didn’t want to read it.

When Ryan arrived at the light rail station without hesitation he asked two strangers for money.
One was reluctant and rude, the other freely handed him a dollar.
He boarded the light rail and headed for his father’s.

Now the following week the storm had blown over. During a time reading the Word together, he sincerely shared his experience that day. They had just finished reading Romans 8:16 about how the Spirit is real.
Ryan agreed, amused and recounted his experience. He knew his mom was horrified that he had hit the streets and public transportation alone.

“Mom, that day I had a look in my eyes; everyone knew not to mess with me.” She winced.
“When I arrived at Dad’s I remembered the note. I pulled it out of my pocket and started laughing out loud.”
“What is it?” his Dad came over and wanted to know what was so funny.
“The paper this man gave me said, “You can do nothing without Christ.”
His backslidden father said, “Did you tell him you were a follower?”
"No," he said. "I just took the note. I was too angry."

Ryan received the note during the time my friend was desperately praying. She had called friends one after the other feeling helpless. During the time she was praying, that poor man who she now believes was an angel in human form, approached Ryan. “Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?” Hebrew 2:14

That little folded note, given by the stranger, reinstated my friend’s faith one-hundred fold. From that time on, she now knows not just in her mind but in her heart, that whenever her son is away from her presence, God is and always will be there with Ryan.
She now possesses the peace that passes all understanding, not just for herself, but for her son. She is reminded that all things work together for good.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Love at any Age

"I had lunch with a Christian lady at my work today. I believe she is somewhere in her late 40s or even 50s, never married and no children. She told me of a woman who was on the mission field most of her life and got married for the first time at, are you ready? 81 years old. She married a widowed doctor who was 85."

One of my singles sister’s in Christ just sent an email about a Ring Connection. The way we single women encourage each other! It’s great—a quick note from her desk at work in the middle of the day. There’s always time to share good news, curious news…how people meet.
The older we get the more significant Maya Angelou’s quote, “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and Always one more time."

So while we are on the topic of meeting a special person at any age, I will share my Dad’s story.
“Write about Shirl and I ,” he has said.
His second marriage lasted 35 years until my Stepmom died at eighty-something.
A year or so before she passed away, he was invited to a high-school reunion in the state of Washington. Ten or so people attended. One of the women was Shirl.

Shirl was interested in stocks as my Dad and they shared information on investing. They remained in touch as my Dad sorted through caregiving and the agony of caring for a terminally ill loved one.
Her husband had died in a similar way of a similar illness. She provided some distant support during the difficult “dark valley” transition time.

About a year after my stepmom’s passing, one day my dad said to me, “Shirley said I was ‘adorable’.” He had a large grin and a funny expression. Soon he was over my house more than usual as I helped him tend to himself and perk his appearance. Dad was infatuated...at least at this stage.

That was a couple years ago. He and Shirl have enjoyed some wonderful memories and continue to see each other. Shirl writes and is an outdoor enthusiast as my Dad has always been. She is so into health food, for awhile my dad refused desserts. The man who buys chocolate bars and always leaves wrapping around for evidence.

What have I learned from Dad?

Just as the story my friend shared today evidences, love knows no limits, no deference to age or health.

Love stays and grows when we have mutual interests and we are able to support others and reach out in caring.The beauty in any relationship is sharing and communicating the wonders of daily life and friendship, and openly expressing admiration and attraction—irregardless of wrinkles!

LOve is all around us...and it's not just a song or a feeling in our fingers or toes. It is not just for a lucky few. Love is for me and love is for you. Love from God is available every day and the love found in a special person is either happening or on the way. And so the stories trickle in...

Heavenly Courts are Coming

This morning before I left for our Juvenile Hall ministry, I watched the amazing Wimbledon men’s finals. It was hard to tear myself away and meet with my brother for the services we have with the boys units. But a couple thoughts were planted that I could harvest at the hall.

Last Sunday I read in Hebrews 12:22-24, that the firstborn, those born again, whose names were written in heaven, were gathering in the Heavenly City at the place of righteous men made perfect to worship together.It was amazing to think as I left for church on this horizontal realm, my friends and family who live above were gathering in the celestial city with thousands upon thousands of angels to worship.

Today two of Federer’s admiring fans held a sign up in the crowd that the camera’s picked up: “Perfect Roger”. The words volleyed in my mind. Roger has glimpses of perfect, as his friend, Tiger Woods and so many amazing atheletes. But no one here on earth can, as the Scripture says, be perfect…until we reach those pearly gates. Here on earth we can be righteous through faith in Jesus and our standing in Him and only through His grace, but we cannot be perfect…until we are on the other side.

Then watching a perfectly spun drop ball by Raphael, I had another glimpse of how God can come in and offset or jump-start anything He so desires. A gust of wind appeared pushing the ball over so it landed out—just at the time the ball was dropping.

“Where did that come from?” the announcer asked incredulously. We cannot account for the breezes and twists of time that can change our lives. We can do our best and it may be enough…or not.Enemies may scheme to harm us or seem to outdo us. But anything can happen given the God who changes times and seasons is on our side. If God be for us who can be against us?

As much as we can plan and do our best, the elements of life and chance can arise and make fortuitous twists of fate no one can control. That is why the Scripture says the race is not always to the swiftest…and so we must ask God to always keep the wind at our back and guide us in life through His Holy Spirit. By His mercy we may lose some battles, but we will win the war…and one day join the celestial throng in the courts of Heaven.

Single and Thirty-five Part 2

Matt called one evening, asking if he could stop by with a question. My hopes rose. It was a dreary Christmas season and maybe I’d get a date before the end of the year?
He wanted me to stay with his children while he drove across the state to pick up his parents, who had been in a car accident which totaled their car.

So now, I couldn’t even tell when a guy wanted to ask me out for a date! It was over – the dream of family and husband. Reality set in. I needed to buck up and get on with my life. At 35, in a very small town, there weren’t many prospects. And I knew God would allow me nothing less than a follower of Jesus if I married. I decided to move.

A week later, Matt called. We went out for pizza. He began to call me every night and we began a telephone romance even though he lived six blocks away.
We knew each other. We knew the things that you know when you’re not trying to impress somebody. I knew some of his failures with his family and some of his victories.

Within three months of that first date he bought me an engagement ring. We began plans for a wedding now scheduled for only two months away.

We were married in May, 9 months after his wife’s death. We came home from the honeymoon to a house filled with energetic children who, after a couple of months, decided they didn’t like a new woman in the house and couldn’t we just go back to the way things used to be? I weathered grieving in different forms – from a 4-year-old boy and from his father as well.

Meanwhile, I got pregnant and now had the hormonal swings to go with the turmoil of step-parenting. Then the 15-year-old decided to test her independence with some well-timed acts of defiance. We had sold all my furniture and moved me into her house.

It’s been 18 years since that whirlwind. We survived an impossible first year of marriage – mostly because many people were praying for us and because God is gracious. The four older children are all married – and all call me Mom. I love them like my own. We still have two children at home – including a 12-year-old - and Matt can’t imagine what an empty nest will look like. I thought I’d never have children but today I have six plus two grandchildren.

I still remember the anguished nights when I longed for a family that God seemed to be withholding. I remember railing in anger: “God, I shouldn’t even believe in you!”
Today I rest in his arms, soothed by his gracious abundance. .

When I was single, I clung to the challenge to be content in all circumstances. Today, that passage in Philippians means even more to me:
“I know what it is to have little, and I know what it is to have plenty. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being well-fed and of going hungry, of having plenty and of being in need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Phil 4:12-13

Thank you Kathy for sharing His amazing ways with all of us…visit Kathy's blog at sunballo.blotspot.com

Not's to undue Knots

Last week at Vacation Bible School we did an exercise with the girls.
Each girl received a straw with instructions to tie a knot in the straw. In every single case, guess what happened when we tried to blow through that striped plastic mini-tube. The air wouldn’t move. Our cheeks turned red from effort; all to no avail.

The knots represent fear. Fear blocks our movement. Fear drives us to push and pressure ourselves past reason. Blowing against a knot is a waste of time. We have to find the knot and remove it. Do you have any knots to remove today that are hindering you from free-flowing into the day with God?

When the girls and I, un-knotted the straw and blew again…what a difference! We could breathe again. We experienced the feeling of clear passages. So, our lives have clearer passages when we undo the fear in our lives that blocks us and works against us living and moving with the God who loves us in each days purpose.

What does your life feel like when the passages are free and clear? When was the last time you experienced it?

Some NOts to Contend with:
God does not stop loving His children
“Perfect love casts out fear, because fear has torment.” 1 John 4:18 .
“God will not leave or forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5
“God will not allow the righteous to lack any good thing…” Psalm 34:10
God will not hold your sin against you. Love keeps no record of wrongs.
1 Corinthians 13, Psalm 103

Single and Thirty-five

Kathy is a wonderful Christian editor, fiction writer and mother of six. We met at a writers conference last month in Colorado and I heard her story. Kathy experienced the ups and downs of single life and desiring a family into her thirties. Many of you will be encouraged by God’s Ring Connection….

“I’d start at the beginning but I can’t remember when we first met. He was married at the time and I was not. We were members of the same church and attended many Bible study groups together. For years I taught his children in Vacation Bible School and Sunday school.

When his wife was tragically killed in a car accident- one Black October- he was left with four children and a lot of questions. The community watched him grab hold of God with all he had. “I knew the night of the accident that I didn’t want two tragedies,” he told me once. “I didn’t want to lose my wife and then lose my family. I’d seen that happen too many times.”

His parents moved to our town to take care of the children (ages 4-15) so he could continue his business. His brother told me on the day of the funeral they planned to stay about three years “unless Matt gets married first.”
“Who’d marry him with four kids?” I asked.
God hadn’t clued me in yet.

So you see, I knew him but I didn’t know him. I don’t remember exactly when we met. I recall he came to church in a flannel shirt and work boots, hoping someone would criticize him so he could stay home and watch wrestling matches. I remember when he answered God’s call, turning his life over to Jesus. I recall the birth of all but his oldest child.

I was never-married and 35. Our church had a board meeting a couple of months after his wife’s death and he came over with some paperwork to help me with a project. No one on the board looked at me like he looked at me that day. No longer just another co-worker, he saw me as someone with potential. However, I was dating someone else!

Soon after that, he invited me to join his family for a Continental’s concert. I couldn’t go that night… but wished I could have.
I already knew I was supposed to end this other dating relationship. I wasn’t sure why; the man was a fine Christian and I had hopes that we were on the road to marriage. But God said to end it. I dragged my feet way too long, but I finally did it. It was a miserable December that year for I knew I had ended my chances for marriage and children.
(To be continued next week)

UnSong for singles

UnSong for One

Today was our last day at Vacation Bible School. I volunteered because God wanted me to get out of the pressures of single adult life and be around children again for one week. It's easy to lose perspective as a single sometimes.The exuberant praise (kids jumping with glee and throwing thier hands in the air) daily laughter affected me the most. The simple pleasures of lollipops and drawing colored pencil marks on our skin, not to mention decorating our pogo sticks and stryofoam head into a somewhat passable knight…who was decapitated in battle...added some dare and adventure.

All was a reminder how important for me to take breaks from focus frenzy from work. Life can be very me centered and intense. If it wasn’t for my dogs, I could easily spend all day focused on my tasks and schedule. They come up and nudge my arm or whine, we're here too...

One new song in particular today branded my brain. We had studied wisdom, trust, courage, faith and love…all virtues of living in the Royal Kingdom of God. Then this song described all the Kingdom-breakers, that prevent the righteousness, joy and peace in the Holy Spirit from pouring into our lives.

It was an Un-Song –the content being reams of un-words—unacceptable things we do that keeps us from loving ourselves, being loving to others and receiving God’s love. My conscience kicked me every other word. It reminded me to do a quick un-game on my heart for a spiritual check up.

Some of the unwords were: I’ve been unbroken, uneasy, unfocused, unaware, unteachable, untouchable, unrighteous, unreachable, unwilling, unapproachable, undesirable, uneasy, unemotional, unexceptional, unqualified, unkind,ungrateful,undecided, unfair, unfit…Can you think of more?

The amazing chorus following these convicting descriptors said…but because of Jesus, I’ve never been unloved. That love begins working immediately as one of our girls who accepted Christ yesterday informed me. She told her friends at home yesterday of her decision for Christ adding, “Now I will be kinder to you.”

The chorus reminds us that while we’re working out our salvation with fear and trembling in these shaky times, we can be sure that the steadfast love of our Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end…they are new every morning. God’s love remains unconditionally, undaunted and divine! Unbelievable!

The Wedding Month and Seasoned Brides

Okay, so it is the time for June Brides. I have attended two weddings and one more to come. The rush is on. Four couples in one month, 7 over 50 first timers! It's another tidal wave season, like it has been so many other times in my life when the waves have come in to the shores of singleness capturing a boatfull of eligibles and sweeping them away to marriage.

Yet in the June issue of The Week, reported a recent Gallup Poll revealed 70% of Americans now consider divorce to be morally acceptable, the highest number ever to hold this view. In 2001 only 59% of Americans considered divorce acceptable.

MOre and more people are quicker to divorce once the marriage bedrock seems to be crumbling. It is easier mentally and socially to head out before perceived damage is done now than ever before. Has inspection and intervention occurred? The termite man aside from God, may be marriage counselors or those who can mediate and stabilize their eroded confidence in each other and their vows of better or worse and begin rebuilding. I have seen too often, a partner leave to find him or herself, casting off their vows as if they never saw that movie they starred in.

So I celebrate the couple who just shot out an email an hour ago, "We made it to twenty and we'll be out of town celebrating." I replied "Yay and congratulations." It is more and more an infrequent occurence. I woke up to the windy edges of a hurricane in Japan once. I remember standing under the the frame of a doorway wondering if the whole paper house would blow down.

Being a single who desires marriage and commitment, it is wonderful to rub shoulders with those who have born the hurricanes that attack every family and live through it to talk about. All those who mark any length of time said they couldn't have survived without God and their vows. Simply put, simple truths were enough to keep them standing still. Loving God, loving eachother sacrificially.

So it was fun to attend a wedding yesterday and speak to a seasoned bride.

"You know the song "You've only Just Begun" that they play at weddings? It's a really good song, very true. When we were married 22 years ago, we didn't realize how much more we could love each other, how much deeper our love could grow by now. Even with all the trials and disappointments of life..it's really rich- our love is strong."

The Voice that Matters

Yesterday a young English golfer who was a long shot (rated fifty-something) rose to contend in the 2008 US Golf Open. He was tied until the eighteenth hole with Tiger Woods at Torrey Pines Golf Club in San Diego (called Tiger Pines for the record) until Tiger edged him out. Still, he shone like never before and was described as a “strong player who looked great,” by the announcers.

How did he climb from obscurity to golf his best ever against the best?

Westwood started playing tennis at thirteen. His Dad introduced him to the sport. He climbed up the ladder and added coaches who taught him the techniques and technical tips he needed to compete against the best in this tech oriented world.

A year and a half ago …he fired all his technical coaches.

He said the only voice he has listened to for the past year and a half has been one voice. His Dad’s. Back to the coach who started it all. Back to the voice who trained him in the feel of the sport.

After I pulled the curtains this weekend and the rod fell down, it makes sense.Things seem to be breaking. Some crazy relationships glitches. Billing errors (plural). Computer folders are exploding for all the mail. I am further behind every week. And I’m trying really hard to stay on track with life and commitments and projects and people and, and, and… it must be how Westwood felt when he simplified.

The noise is not just outside. It’s inside. It’s the constant planning and demands to tend to. The clicking and multiple screens that stay open in our brain. When do we turn that computer off? What can we let go of? What do we really have to do? What really doesn’t need fixing (whether people fixing or project fixing) right now… what can we let go of?

One voice pulls it all together.
Everyday and every season there is always that one voice to return to that brings peace and purpose. As Ray Stedman said, “We were never made to live without a Heavenly Father.”
Help us to hear Him alone. He is not a taskmaster. He is a loving father. He wants us to rejoice and be glad each day.