Lord of the Ringless

Know You are Beloved

Recently in Franklin TN, my 23 year old nephew and talked about dating. We read through portions of the study guide on Desperado from my book Lord of the Ringless. I have decided to post excerpts from that study guide in 4 sections over the coming month on Fridays.Especially over holidays when the tug for family and connection for someone special can be heightened, we must continue to trust God with our lives and open our heart's door wide to receive His love.

 

Know You are Beloved

 

"There is in every human heart an inextinguishable desire to be someone’s prince, someone’s princess. We want to be beloved."  John Ortberg

 

King Solomon states in Song of Solomon 1:14 “My beloved is a bouquet of flowers in the garden of Engedi”

In Song of Solomon 2:16 the woman in love states, “My beloved is mine and I am his” (KJV) 

It is natural to want a male-female relationship where we are cherished and beloved the way it is expressed in the love connection and expression of King Solomon and his bride.

 

John Ortberg expounds on our deep desire to be Beloved by returning to the Bible, for example: “the scriptures use extravagant images to convince us of this. God’s love for us is the love of a friend who would sacrifice his life for the one he loves, the love of a father for a runaway son, the love of a mother that will not allow her to forget her child. God’s love for us is more passionate than the heart of the most passionate groom for his bride. You are the Beloved of God.”

 

• “Act natural, be yourself ; and if he likes you that way he can take you that way”    Grandma Elizabeth

 

Dating is a Dance

continued from last week, excerpt from Lord of the Ringless.  Bible Study Guide, Desperado.

Understand Dating is a Dance

• Understand that Dating is a dance. Some men are good dancers and know how to lead a woman. He doesn’t step on your toes or throw you out for a spin and hurt your arm or think it’s fun to throw you off balance.

He isn’t just making up a dance as he goes along and she has no idea how to respond. He prays with her and shares scripture he’s learning. The woman felt no matter how the relationship ended up they would be better people. He is mature, sincere and physically gentle and respectful. 

Not all women are good followers. We may try and take the lead which is not our part instead of allowing him to initiate the direction and the timing. Or, we may be insecure and don’t respond because we’re unsure of ourself and he has to keep coaxing us that we’re doing OK.

 

• Neither of us may know how to dance very well. Sometimes we can help each other. I have danced with men in the corner so they could practice leading a new dance out of sight of everyone so it wasn’t embarrassing to them and vice versa. How could this translate in a dating relationship?

 

Words spoken in a timely manner…Read through the Proverbs and ask the Holy Spirit to impress upon you the verses you need to work on in your relationship with men or this man.

 

In the 50^th edition of OPRAH Magazine, women shared advice on relationships they would always remember. One woman shared what a male friend had told her:

 “Never compromise, honey,” he said, “It’s not going to get better. Love is a dance and either you’re moving to the same music or you’re not; either your heart feels what his heart feels or it doesn’t. Yours doesn’t. Let him go and do it fast. Slower and kinder never feels better.”

 

 

Henry J Kaiser on Human Relations

We recently visited Richmond, California where the Red Oak Victory remains as a symbol of the great shipbuilding years of 1940 where 742 ships were built for the Navy in WW2, after Pearl Harbor. I was very impressed reading about the operations of the largest shipbuilding yard in America, one that shot the population of Richmond from 23,000 to 123,000 in 2 years.

 These types of war jobs catapulted America out of the Great Depression providing employment. Henry Kaiser, the brilliance behind Richmond's famous ship operations employed 30% women in addition to blacks and whites. He wrote:

"Labor relations are human relations. Nothing more or less. When a man is treated like a human being; when his ability, skill and goodwill are properly recognized; when his ambitions and anxieties are given due and just consideration, he is not only capable of superior loyalty, but of performing veritable miracles in production."

Wings of Refuge pt 2 Guilt and Strength

 

Recently I experienced the guilt of doing it “my way, not Yahweh.”

 

Then the mental kickback of “I’ve been a Christian so long, how could I make such poor choice?”  Even though I read Psalm 103 He forgives all my sins and moves them as far as east to west, and David saying in Psalm 32:5 “When I confessed you forgave the guilt of my sin” –the fog bedded down.

 

  Then I read a quote by Deitrich Bonhoffer, a Christian pastor in Nazi Germany. “Guilt can be an idol. Stop bowing down to it. Accept forgiveness.” Wow, as that truth sunk in, the fog lifted.

 

  God is with us. He will comfort us and give us strength.

  In Psalm 84:5 David says “blessed is the man whose strength is in you.” As the Israelites passed through the arid desert of Baca after a hot dry summer, they experienced the autumn rains. “They go from strength to strength,” the Psalmist expresses. Little bits of strength.That is what God said to Gideon.

 

  The Israelites settled in the land of the Midianites and began to worship their Gods and acquire their lifestyle after God delivered them from the slavery of Egypt. The backlash came when the Midianites and Amelikites plundered their crops, their homes and destroyed their livestock.

 

  Israel cried out in distress. They were so impoverished young Gideon was threshing wheat in a winepress to hide what little they had from his enemies. When an angel of the Lord (Jesus Christ) appeared to him there and said, “The Lord is with you mighty Warrior,” Gideon was surprised.

 

  “Where is God. Why has all this happened? The Lord has abandoned us!” He stated perplexed adding he was a nobody and the weakest of his family. With all his questions and resistance the Lord didn’t turn away from him. The Lord turned toward him and assured him he was the right choice.

 

  “Go in the strength that you have…and save Israel” (Judges 6:14)

This is the message for all of us. All who feel weak and poor and ravaged.

 

Go in what remnant of strength we have. God will use that little bit to complete His purposes in our lives. He will never leave us or forsake us.

 

  Taking tiny steps of strength we can make the next difficult phone call, complete the next piece of paper or face the next day at work or without work trusting He is with us and a very present help in times of trouble.

 

  “Be of good courage and he shall strengthen your heart, all you that hope in the Lord.”  Psalm 31:24

We Must Learn to Wait

Here is a beautiful poem I read many moons ago as a

 

 

twenty-something. Be encouraged.

 

Rich lyric & truth by Jean KylerMcMannus.

 

 

 

 

We must learn to wait for happiness that bright elusive thing

 

That we startle in our eagerness like a young bird on the wing

 

We must learn to wait for hope to rise and spread it’s wings

 

about us,

 

and put our faith in His dear love when the whole

 

world seems to doubt us.

 

 

And as we daily learn to cope with the burdens that we bear,

 

 

In the silence of our trust in Him, He will answer every prayer.

 

   Jean Kyler Mcmannus

Wings of Refuge pt 1

I once heard a story about a ranger scouring a forest after a wildfire and discovering a charred dead bird standing by a tree. Upon hearing chirps he discovered intact live chickies under their mother’s wings. It was a touching story of sacrificial love and protection.

 

David cries out in Psalm 57, “Be merciful to me O God, be merciful to me; for my soul trusts in thee. In the shadow of your wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be passed by.    Isaiah 57:1

 

Life has seasons which can leave us feeling ravaged especially after death, divorce, loss of employment or health, losing a home or savings…any number of things.

 

We all need a heavenly Father for protection and refuge. The Bible is clear to assure us of His presence, comfort and strength especially during these seasons.

 

In Isaiah 43 he declares, “Fear not, I have redeemed you by name. You are mine…when you go through the fire you shall not be burned…because you are precious and honored in my sight.” God loves us. He demonstrated His love through the sacrificial death of His Son, Jesus to rescue us from sin. He loves us like a parent. We bear His name. He sees us through the trials.

Jesus told us not to worry. He said to look at the birds of the air. They do not sow or reap or store away in barns, yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Matthew 6:26

 

The birds thrive even when they do not reap or sow? Or have a surplus to draw from?  God’s provision cannot be balanced by a  ledger.  I remember a remark my brother made as a missionary. “Even though on paper I fall way short every month of my budget, every month I eat every day and my bills are paid.It doesn’t make sense.” My brother learned to trust God more as a result of his financial situation.

 

Yesterday I ran into a Christian woman who I’ve know many years. “We’re losing our house,” she reported. “But I am at total peace. I’ve turned to God and I know He will provide for us. I told my husband it doesn’t matter, but he’s stopped going to church. And he’s turning to the bottle.”

 

I know how easy it is to turn to false comforts. I used to go shopping. But the temporary good feeling led to a guilt hangover the next day and a worse financial situation. How come we don’t go to God for comfort? We have to learn to let the Lord be our comfort when things are tough.

 

And when we do that, our relationship with Him will grow. Just like the friends who are with us through the tough times are the ones we are closest too. No wonder Paul said in Philippians 2:1 “If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, any comfort from His love, any fellowship with His Spirit…?” Jesus said he would not leave us here comfortless, He would send the Holy Spirit our Comforter to come alongside and help us. Why don’t we turn to Him?

Time Set Apart and Not Dating

“Why are you wearing a wedding ring?” I asked a divorced man last week.

 

He explained and demonstrated by twirling the gold band with his right hand, “So I can focus on God for a year. Twice I heard God tell me not to date –to spend a year getting to know Him without distraction. I’ve never done that. The ring keeps women at bay and reminds me of my commitment to God first.  W-I-F-E.”

 

W    is for Worship. Worship God first everyday.

I      stands for Individual Life.  Each day discover who we are before Him and pursue our individual gifts and talent, knowing what we like or dislike.

F     is for Fellowship. Stay in fellowship with other believers daily

E    is for Evangelism. Share the Lord with those around us, even if we have to speak.

 

“It sounds corny but it works,” he explained.

 

As a bride of Christ the symbolic acronym helps him serve the Lord daily with less distraction. My brother, who has been a bridegroom when he married once, said, “As believers—men are lucky. They have an inside understanding of marriage spiritually speaking from the perspective of a groom and a bride—the bride of Christ.”

 

I have known others to set time apart from seeking a relationship and just step out of that space for a few months. I once heard a counselor ask a woman and man who were dating and having problems ask: “Have either of you ever been alone without a person in your life longer than six months?

They both answered, “no.”

 

“You need to know who you are apart from someone in your life influencing you," the counselor spoke to both of them at once. "Time alone so you can get to know who you are. So you are not afraid of being alone and driven into relationship because of it. So you learn to enjoy your own company and who you are. I suggest you each take a break."

 

 They did not take his advice...but broke-up later, by default.

 

My friend has noticed he's spending time reading the Bible and praying much more now. And seeking fellowship with believers in a fresh unencumbered way with pure motivation...although he definitely knows this is for a limited time. "I love women too much to be single forever."

 

 

 

Vows for One plus Family

 

Dr. Sparkle has had an unusual glimmer in his eyes over the past months. It was extremely noticeable now, why, as he buzzed all around the reception floor and during the well versed steps with his bride in the beautiful white gown.

Second time around- he was as gleeful as any first time bridegroom I have seen.

 

The past couple of years as we have weaved paths at social events and church,  his comments have been, “I’m having fun dating.” A strong Christian man with a heart for missions work, a sailor, guitarist and grandfather, he was not necessarily looking for marriage right now. But Cupid hit and e Harmony helped and ….

 

We attended his wedding in a beautiful chapel in Sacramento at the end of a summer night. Candles glowed peacefully from the end of each aisle.

The minister stated it was a “bidding of the Spirit.” It was “Two hearts marrying—best friends with God as the indispensable partner.”

 

“It is not good for man to be alone, I will make him a helper.” The minister also addressed the community would also be a refuge and help. With that said, all the children came forward from both the Good Doctor and his new bride.

 They stood together(infants in tow) spanning the altar facing the bride and groom—who now exchanged vows with their acquired children..

 

“I promise I will be a good husband to your mom. Each of you will always have a place in our house as your new home.”

“Will you love and honor_ (new spouse)_to be part of our new family and accept them joyfully? Will you support us?” 

 

Together the children and grandchildren answered,  “I Will”

 

It was a wonderful experience for me to see their family vows. It shows the children how him important they are to the success and true joy of their parents.

It creates a platform for a strong launch and beginning, which all blended families need, no matter if the children are out of the house or still being reared.

 

May God bless all the weddings and families he brought together this summer and that are continuing into the fall.  We pray God’s humor, courage, laughter and love, peacemaking skills and listening skills. Oh, and the gracious speech of Christ with one another. Something we can practice all the time, married or single! Amen and amen.

 

 

That "In Love" Feeling

 I just exchanged emails with a woman about infastuation, dating and the defining period of three months.  Usually 3 months is when the infatuation wears off and the real person is pleased to stand up. In couples who continue on to marry and have good marriages the core values and virtues remain strong and even improve, deepening respect.

 

 In others, that short amount of time begins to reveal a glossy paint job that's peeling. The wood underneath may be rotten. Or,realistically and commonly, the best efforts to master life long foibles can’t bear up much longer than a couple months. For example showing up on time (speaking of myself) erodes into the more characteristic trait—“always late.” People realize they are not the best match after all, given the real enchiladas.

 

It is not the elated feelings of infastuation, nor the deeper but fleeing feeling of being in love but the love from respect (quality person) that helps carry through to marriage. Even within the marriage, it helps carry them through the alternating fleeting feelings of love. Gary Chapman quotes an expert in his book, Five Loves and states the “In love” feeling generally lasts no more than two years. I heard Dr Dobson say it can begin ebbing even before a year of their meeting together.

 

I once read, “Love is a steady intent of our will toward another’s lasting good.” That is the definition that will carry a marriage through the years—not the feeling of being, “in love.” And that is agape love. God’s love to direct His best actions for our best good toward us irregardless of what space we are in.  That is the love all the couples I know have said is the glue that held their marriage boat together through the seasonal storms without shipwrecking.

 

Once I spoke with a woman married eighteen years who described a scene in her kitchen—her husband dropped a crystal glass from their wedding. When she expressed distress and made a sentimental comment, somehow a tete a tete began. It culminated when he said, “I was never ‘in love’ with you when we married.”  She was shocked and hurt, but prayed and determined to love him through her love for Jesus anyway.  A couple years later they had some loving moments. She revisited the hurt she had felt from that night. He denied what he said. “I’ve always loved you.”  Such is our human condition of “feelings.”

 

So I think of Fiddler on the Roof when Tevyah sings to his wife, “Do you love me?”

She answers, “for twenty five years I’ve washed his clothes, fed him meals, slept with him…if that’s not love what is?”  Old fashioned, practical love that does.

 

In an age that dotes on romance and starry starry eyes, it’s good to remember  love is from God. The best we can do in this life is love each other as He loves us and loved us through the love He gives us. In His fountain, not our own dwindling brook. The love of 1 Corinthians 13, that bears and believes all things. That does not keep a record of wrongs.  

 

The love he showed by sending His Son was not a feel good demonstration. It was a determined effort and decision to love a people who were at the time uncaring. But love won out and what a difference our response is today than when we first met Him. So our human marriages can reflect that divine love… and some do!

 

To Date or Not to Date- Single Parents

Should single parents date?

I recently spoke to a friend who decided to wait until her daughter passed through the tumultous teens. (Another friend's son just finished his passage.) Many single parents,(both men and women) and pastors hold this view.

"No, I don't think so." The woman who is now ready to hit the meeting market again stated after her daughter is flying the coop- at nineteen. She explained how she made that decision years ago while dating a single parent dad.

 "I still had a yearning in my heart to be married but I was struggling with full time single parenting,working full time and having a dating relationship. My date's daughter was high maintenance. She was jealous of me-she wanted her dad to herself (7 years old). It's hard for children to understand the division of time between them.

"I made an appointment with my pastor. My daughter was five. He was doing a series on family relationships- "Blended families are like a mine field" he said, and urged me to wait.

"I was in tears, crying. My Heart was pressed. The Holy Spirit spoke to me. In my early 40's I wanted badly to compromise what I felt God telling me. It took a few years to surrender to the Lord. I thought, 'If we want to be married, why delay?' It was hard to hear this...but, I'm really glad now. It would have been pure chaos with a man and stepdaughter added to complications my daughter and I have had."

"Many years I wanted a Daddy for my daughter, but the Lord saw it was a better fit she would be raised by a single mom. I prayed alot and God gave me great strength and faith."

My brother, who divorced when his boys were eight and ten, chose to wait until the youngest was sixteen before he started dating.We were thirteen when my parents divorced. My mom lived a morally upright life throughout the next seven years until she met her second husband.  A man never spent the night. I never saw her occasional boyfriends much- a hi or bye to and from the date- so her dating never bothered me. When she married my stepdad, we never lived with his children- the youngest spent the night once a week and the other two- never.

 I do have single parent friends, men and women, who married with young children living at home and their marriages have lasted. In every case it has been a struggle at first with the ex's. In every case either they were single and their mates had children or they had a child or two and their mates were single (or kids grown and out of the house). 

LIfe is never easy. But there is always better timing. More ideal situations. I feel for the single parents who have to pray for wisdom and reign their hearts for difficult decisions and choices that can deeply affect the course of their lives and their children's. I know God is faithful to give each of us wisdom in every situation and He will give special guidance to those who are with young. 

As in all things, the "Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man and the woman who trusts in Him."  

Economy and Sovereignty

I am shuffling through the book, Candles in the Dark by Amy Carmichael. this morning she logged (they didn't have blogs in those days) she noticed Paul when bound by chains in Nero's dungeon as his prisoner, never referred to himself that way. Not once did he mention being a prisoner of Nero. He only referred to God's sovereignty in those times. So I read this former writing posted again this morning concerning our times (relayed by a friend last year) with yet more perspective:

 

"Some of Mary’s girlfriends, who are all career twenties, were telling her they feel like we are in the end times. I was reading the pamphlet our church is sponsoring "Praying for the Success of the Gospel," and there I found that in 1837 the burning issues of the day were slavery, unemployment, failed banks, closed factories, bankrupt railroads, and civil war seemed unavoidable.

 

At this time many preachers were predicting the end of the world was near.
History continues to run in cycles. God continues to rule heaven and earth until He puts all His enemies under his foot. And until He brings all of the redeemed into the family of God then He will return and then the final judgment. We can continue to trust and obey, for there's no other way…"

 

 

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.   Isaiah 40;28